The Alchemy of Loss: A Young Widow's Transformation |  | Author: Abigail Carter
Publisher: HCI
Category: Book
List Price: $24.95
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Rating:  4 reviews
Sales Rank: 762571
Media: Hardcover
Pages: 304
Number Of Items: 1
Shipping Weight (lbs): 1.1
Dimensions (in): 9.1 x 6 x 0.9
ISBN: 0757307906
Dewey Decimal Number: 974.71044092
EAN: 9780757307904
ASIN: 0757307906
Publication Date: July 1, 2008
Availability: Usually ships in 1-2 business days
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Product Description
"MY DEAD HUSBAND'S CLOTHES closet held me hostage for almost four years. In the early days after Arron's death, his clothes hung patiently in his closet waiting for his return. I would open the closet doors to see his shoes staring at me expectantly, longing for the warmth of his feet. I would stand inside the folding louver doors and cry deep, wet tears into his blue terrycloth bathrobe that still smelled of him. I fingered the striped flannel shirt that everyone hated but him. His socks were piled impossibly high in a rolling wire mesh basket. Another level of the basket held his underwear. They waited for him, as did I. I would close the closet doors and fling myself face down onto the bed in dramatic sobs. The closet became a litmus test of my grief. Open door, cry, close door, pass test. Still grieving. Repeat in four weeks. Soon, the act became almost masochistic. A crying dry-spell would send me back to the closet for a rain dance of tears. A whiff of his bathrobe was a reliable shaman. The tears would cleanse my body, releasing me from the grip of grief. Relief washed over me--I still mourned for my husband honorably, appropriately, with tears and sobs. My brother [Matt] and Arron's best friend, Bruce, visited for Thanksgiving. I saw my opportunity to bestow some of Arron's favorite items on the people he loved. Giving his clothes and shoes to loved ones seemed preferable to hauling garbage bags full of him to Goodwill. I watched as my brother tried on his cowboy boots--tall, slender, and full of swagger. Matt shrank in my mind to a ten-year old boy, trying on his older mentor's boots, proud, but not certain he would ever fill them. He strutted around uncertainly claiming to be honored to own them. I knew he would never wear them. Those boots were so ubiquitous with Arron that they would be unfathomable on anyone else. I had hoped that my brother might take on some of Arron's characteristics when he wore them, that the boots were somehow magic, but his tiptoeing inside of them, not wanting to fully plant his foot into them revealed the truth. Bruce pulled Arron's favorite leather jacket around his torso, trying to make the buttons meet. The coat, which had fallen to Arron's hips, reached halfway to Bruce's knees. It took on a new persona on Bruce's body and molded itself instantly to him. It no longer resembled anything Arron had ever worn. Despite the ill-fittings, I was glad for these reminders to be gone; to be the responsibility of someone else. I suspected that they would wind up at Goodwill someday, but I didn't want to know, I didn't want to be the one who took them there. My brother and Bruce walked off feigning pleasure at their new acquisitions, but really I think they were pleased at having helped me through a difficult process. They seemed to understand by the look in my eyes, my relief at having purged a little of Arron in a loving way."
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Book Review: Alchemy of Loss June 24, 2009
A Novel Menagerie (Huntington Beach)
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
By now, we all know the story of 9/11 and the terrible loss that the United States of America and its citizens and residents endured. The unexpected and terrible loss of thousands of loved ones occurred creating a devastation unimaginable 9/10/2001. This book is Abigail's story about her loss, as well as her children's. For those who do not know the true definition of alchemy, Abigail provides it to the readers as:
"Alchemy is an ancient science and form of spiritualism that combines chemistry, metallurgy, physics, and medicine. Its followers aimed to turn lead into gold.
This transmutation process follows three steps. First there is a "blackening" where the lead is stripped of its alloys and broken down to its barest essential elements to prepare it for transformation.
... The next stage is the "whitening" process whereby the metal (or the human spirit) is cleansed and purified, transforming its original chemistry.
.... A red powder made from the mythical philosopher's stone mediates the final state, the "reddening," resulting in a superpure form of gold."
This book takes the readers through the alchemy of Abigail's spirit from the loss of Arron, her husband. Arron was at a business meeting at Windows on the World in the top level of the World Trade Center, Building 1. Arron called Abigail after the plane hit the building, assuming that a bomb had detonated in the building. He had asked her to phone the police. They didn't have the opportunity to say "I Love You" or "Good-Bye." Arron didn't survive the fall of the building and Abigail was left with her young daughter, Olivia, and her infant son, Carter (2 yrs old at the time).
This book takes you through Abigail's story of loss, mourning, and recovery back into a new life. She does, eventually make it there, and as the book cover will tell you she is now living and writing in Seattle, Washington. For me, this book was about meeting Abigail, through her words and through her recovery into her new life. As she tells her story, I felt as I grew to know her. There are so many components of the story that I can completely relate to... not just understand cognitively.. but, truly understand from being there in my own experience. From everything involved with her depression to her attempt at dating again in her 30's with 2 children. I've been there!
I know that my story differs from her in that I had the choice to leave my husband, but I must share that I've had sole custody and the responsibility of raising them has been mine alone to bear. With that said, reading what Abigail wrote made me feel more "normal" in what I've gone through in my alchemy, although I must add that I believe I'm still going through it.
Her words are real, her thoughts poignant. I love the final monument to Aaron, as there was really no "grave site" just for him. She built him a bird-bath, pictures hereinabove. It's a beautiful part of the story and boy was I relieved to read that she did take it with her to Seattle (thank goodness she addresses it...). Speaking of moving to Seattle, I've always wanted to do it myself. Makes me think about making that life change someday. I am really proud of her decision to start a new life there.
I'll leave the details of Abigail's story for you, because I believe that you should read this book... especially if you have children. It's not easy being a single mom and the transition into one is equally difficult. Couple this with mourning the loss of her husband... well, I just could really feel her words, her pain and her anger. But, what I will share with you are many of my favorite quotes from the book (my review readers know that when I've got a lot of them... I liked the book).
On Sher's "Out of Ten" Scale:
I really liked this book! Like I said above, I recommend this book for reading. Yes, there are sad components to the book, but watching Abigail be the "Phoenix from the flames," is so well worth it! And if you are married with small children, I believe this book will give you a renewed appreciation for that husband of yours...even if he is golfing on Sunday or you're a football widow. I'm giving this book a 9!
Passage Through Grief April 12, 2009
Story Circle Book Reviews (www.storycirclebookreviews.org)
2 out of 2 found this review helpful
Imagine watching the collapse of the World Trade Center on television knowing, but not wanting to believe, that your husband probably never got out of one of the buildings. Imagine two days later, your six-year-old child asking for a new daddy: "...if we had a new daddy, we wouldn't be sad any more." Imagine boarding a bus, one of hundreds in a convoy, more than a month after the attack to join other families for a public memorial honoring those who died. Imagine later that same day boarding another bus, traveling to a "Family Assistance Center" and waiting your turn to be handed a small blue box containing dust from the rubble of the twin towers that "represented" your loved one. Imagine being told to proceed down the line and as instructed, hold out your arms to receive a triangular folded flag, one hand over, the other under.
Abigail Carter is one of the thousands who found herself in these shocking circumstances. Her story, The Alchemy of Loss: A Young Widow's Transformation, is gripping, poignant, and strangely uplifting--when, four years later we applaud her ability to move ahead. It is the sort of book you can't put down. This is not fiction. I had to take it in small doses.
Abby and her husband, Arron Dack, were not native New Yorkers; they were Canadian citizens living in New Jersey, and had lived in Boston and London. Instead of going to his office that Tuesday morning, Arron was at the Trade Center for a conference at the breathtaking, glitzy restaurant, Windows on the World, at the very top of the North Tower. Abby was rushing to bring her six-year-old daughter, Olivia, to the school bus stop, while grappling to dress two-year-old Carter, when Arron called to say a bomb had exploded in the building. Could she call 911? It was the last time she would hear from her husband.
Abby relates her feelings days later:
"I was haunted by my phone call with him that morning. I replayed it over and over in my head. I wished I had sounded more concerned, told him I loved him. Instead, I had been dismissive, trying to get Olivia on the bus..."
Abby's support system included well-meaning friends, neighbors, and colleagues of her husband. But another day would pass before her parents and mother-in-law would arrive from Canada, crossing the border without incident, even though America was on high alert. Friends drove from Atlanta, Abby's sister arrived from Vancouver. Together these people began the task of helping Abby through her grief, while trying to manage their own. Abby eloquently describes her first visit to Ground Zero:
"The smell was stifling: a mixture of wet concrete, plaster dust, smoke, and burnt flesh. It was a smell I will never forget. It took me a long time to get my bearings and to imagine where Arron's tower had been. Not a single chair, desk, computer, or anything else was recognizable amid the rubble. I watched a bulldozer, balanced precariously atop one of the gray mountains. It moved back and forth awkwardly, bumpily, then its huge shovel rose up and dropped heavily to take a giant bite out of the pile beneath it. Be careful! I thought. Don't hurt him!...After five minutes at most, I was told it was time to leave. A party of dignitaries was set to arrive...I was angry that I was being made to leave. Didn't they realize how long it had taken me to get there? I had endured so much pain to finally reach this place."
If you ever lived in the tri-state area, you either knew someone or knew of someone who perished that dreadful day. Even if you had never been to the Twin Towers, you might have passed by the place on your way to work, or on a day "in the city." You felt a connection. My own family, son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter live in Manhattan. We scrambled to speak to them, learn they were okay. We had been to the Trade Center once for a joyful celebration at Windows on the World.
After the Trade Center tragedy, the Library of Congress created a new subject heading for published works--"September 11 Terrorist Attacks, 2001." Under the sub-division, Personal Narratives, there are just 54 books. Abby's memoir drove me to read others, such as Kristen Breitweiser's Wake-Up Call, and A Widow's Walk, by Marian Fontana. Although the subject heading is the same, their stories are not. Each is as unique as a fingerprint.
Abigail Carter opened her heart and mind in this intimate, valiant book. Her account of her passage through grief needs to be read. She, and thousands like her, are a source of courage for us all.
by Diana Nolan
for Story Circle Book Reviews
reviewing books by, for, and about women
Beautiful Story of Loss and Renewal June 25, 2008
D. Reber (Seattle, WA)
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
"The Alchemy of Loss" is a compelling book about one woman's loss on September 11th and how that event ultimately transformed her life. Abigail candidly shares her journey from the first moment of realization that her life would never be the same again through the grief of her loss and dealing with the reality of her new role as head of a family of three, forging ahead to make choices and create a life that would allow her to heal and her children to be fulfilled, happy people.
I'm thankful that Abigail chose to open her heart and share her story...I think it's an important one for everyone to read, not just to be reminded to embrace the moment and live life to the fullest, but to know that change, no matter how painful, always has the potential to create growth, goodness, and hope.
A must-read June 4, 2008
Peter Davies (Vancouver, Canada)
1 out of 1 found this review helpful
A first-hand account of a Canadian woman with two young children coping with the death of her husband in the World Trade Centre destruction.
It starts with a typical day in a typical family with the author Abigail Carter preoccupied with getting one of her two young children ready to catch a school bus. The phone rings and it is her husband telling her he thinks a bomb may have gone off at the World Trade Centre. Still focused with getting her daughter to the bus in time, Ms. Carter dismisses the news as just another non-event in the big city and responds to her husband as such.
Rushing out of the door to get to the bus, she does not realize that she has heard her husband's voice for the last time.
The book highlights the real pain and tragedy for thousands of ordinary individuals sometimes forgotten in the media coverage of national interests, formal memorial ceremonies etc.
Ms. Carter tells it as it is, without falling into the trap of sentimentalism or manipulation of emotions. The story, simply told, naturally tears at the reader's heart. I did not have a dry eye for the first 50 pages. But, as is always true in such cases, the tragedy is mixed with times of laughter, humour and wit about the absurdities of everyday life.
It is not a book trying to make a point, or a lesson in how to survive the death of a loved one. It does, however, provide an opportunity to understand, at least partially, ( I feel no-one not having gone though this could possibly fully understand what it must be like) the aftermath of such a tragedy. The book highlights the depths of despair and and the incredible will to survive in ordinary individuals facing extraordinary challenges. It also reminds us that the World Trade Centre collapse was, and continues to be, an unimaginable tragedy for thousands and thousands of unknown individuals.
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